everything that's happened since i hired an etsy witch to cast spells on my life

yes, it's insane at is sounds

Ok, so remember when I told you about Chris? The really nice (and attractive) guy I met at the lake a couple hours after I had a panic attack? Yeah that one.

Here’s what happened afterwards.

I got home and opened my laptop to try and focus on some of my client contract work. HA that was not happening.

Instead, my fingers typed “best etsy witches reddit” into Google. I spent the next hour sleuthing Reddit threads about virtual spellcasters — the good, the bad, the freaky, the manifestors, the revenge-seekers. I had heard about these “Etsy witches for hire” via TikTok, but after doing some of my own research, I was now fully invested.

I mean... I just had a panic attack at 5:30am, jumped into Lake Michigan fully clothed, talked to my dead grandmother, and met a recently divorced stranger by a lake. At that point, paying someone on the internet to cast spells seemed like the most rational decision I'd made all day.

After narrowing it down to a few different witches based on Reddit reviews, I chose my spellcaster.

Before I continue, you're probably like wtf does an Etsy witch do? In simple terms, you pay for them to cast a spell on your life. They usually have a "menu" of spells to choose from — focused on romance, abundance, protection, etc. The best witches are thorough and send you a questionnaire beforehand to customize the spell.

Some ask for photos of yourself or the person you want the spell to affect (red flag territory if you’re not careful). Others want your birth date, location, specific intentions. The fancy ones send you updates with photos of candles being lit or crystals arranged in your honor. Prices range from like $15 for a basic "remove negative energy" situation to $200+ for the full "make your ex come crawling back" package.

Look, I know how this sounds. But when you're desperate and traditional methods aren't working, spending $30 on someone to burn some sage and chant your name starts to seem reasonable.

I paid for 3 different spells — focused on career, good energy, and attraction.

Let me be clear: I wasn't trying to manifest some Prince Charming or get rich quick. I was unemployed, depressed, and felt like I was repelling everything good in my life. The career spell was supposed to help me land interviews and stand out to employers. The good energy one was meant to clear whatever negative cloud I'd been walking around under for months. And the attraction spell? Not just romantic - I wanted to attract the right opportunities, the right people, the right fucking energy because clearly whatever I was putting out there wasn't working.

At that point, I would have paid someone to sacrifice a goat if it meant getting out of the unemployment spiral I was stuck in. $90 total for three spells felt like a bargain compared to therapy copays, and honestly, probably more effective than another networking coffee that leads nowhere.

There's no guaranteed timeline for when these spells will start to work. Some can start working immediately, others can take up to a year to materialize. Which is convenient for the witch, because basically anything good that happens to you in the next 365 days can be attributed to their magic.

Got a job interview two weeks later? The spell is working! Meet someone cute at a coffee shop six months from now? Clearly the attraction spell kicking in. Win $5 on a scratch-off ticket? Good energy spell, obviously.

It's the perfect business model, really. No refunds needed when literally any positive change in your life can be traced back to their candle-burning session. And if nothing good happens? Well, you probably had some "blockages" that need additional spell work. For an extra fee, of course.

But here's the thing - I didn't care about the obvious scam potential. I was willing to suspend disbelief if it meant having some hope to hold onto. And honestly, I'm so into this woo woo shit that I probably wouldn't even consider it a scam.

Ok so. Shoutout to my witch because miss girl WORKED HER MAGIC lemme tell you.

Here’s everything that’s happened since I paid for the spells:

1. I got a job offer. A really good job offer — and I accepted it, bitches!!!

2. The sale of the house I’m living in fell through

Among the shit storm my life has been recently, my landlord “sold” the house I’m living in and alerted me a few weeks ago (pre job offer) that I have 60 days to move out. Well, without a steady full-time income in a really competitive rental market in Chicago, who the f would want to rent to me over someone with a steady job?

I ended up finding some temporary housing options in the interim (s/o to the best friends in the world), but I was still stressed nonetheless.

I didn’t want to move — I wasn’t ready mentally, emotionally, financially. I love my house. I love my neighborhood. I feel safe and settled here. But, it was out of my control. I was gunna have to be out by August 28th.

Until today…I got this text from my landlord.

You mean I don’t have to stress about moving in 30 days???? SAY LESS KAREN

3. Dating prospects I almost forgot about started reappearing through the woodworks

I think there were 6-7 total in the last few weeks?

I think they’re staying on “Read” though.

4. I went viral on LinkedIn again

Don’t worry! I’m cringing too!!! But this led to a lot of awesome networking calls, potential job opps/freelance clients, and just a nice reminder that community is everything.

5. I went kinda viral on TikTok and suddenly a bunch of liberal men were in my DMs asking me out

I mentioned this in my last Substack, but my video about swiping left on conservative men really solidified why I swipe left on conservative men. On the contrary, I got ton of DMs from left-leaning folks:

“Hey I’m liberal and live in Chicago. You’re super cute, we should grab a drink?”

Scott, I fear being liberal and living in Chicago is the bare minimum.

6. I got a ‘promotion’ at my part-time marketing contract gig — more $$$ for me!!

7. I finally got my settlement money from my ex employer 😈

Don’t f with a bitch with a witch!

So was it actually the spells? Or did paying someone $90 to believe good things were coming just give me the confidence to make them happen? Honestly, I don't even care. Sometimes you need a little magic, even if you're the one making it.

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thanks for reading,

b✨🫶