pickles are scary, mediocrity is scarier
on deflection, vulnerability, and what we're really afraid to admit
He told me he was petrified of heights after I showed him a video of me bungee jumping off of the tallest bungee bridge in the world.
“Fucccckkkk that. Holy shit. I could never.”
”No it was so fun. And freeing!! Like once you jump you just kinda release your fate to the hands of the universe.”
“You’re doing a terrible job of selling me on this. So what are you afraid of?”
Umm ok so how deep do I want to go with the answer to this question…lol
“Um. Well I hate pickles. Low key afraid of them.”
I chose to stay surface level (for once 😅). But what I really wanted to say was
“I have a crippling fear of mediocrity. The thought of waking up 40 years from now and thinking I spent my entire life settling for less than the potential of what I know what my life could’ve been scares the shit out of me.”
But instead I told him I was afraid of pickles. To be fair, pickles are pretty scary too.
As an avid oversharer/open book/whatever you wanna call me, this deflection was unlike me. The pickle comment was safe — quirky enough to be memorable, but revealing nothing of substance.
But I just couldn't bring myself to say it. It wasn't fear of his reaction, or worry about coming across as ~too much~. It was that this particular fear feels too raw right now, too close to the bone. Five months unemployed, and that fear of mediocrity isn't some abstract concept anymore — it's the weight I carry each morning when I open my laptop to doom scroll through job boards again at a coffee shop while holding back tears.
Some fears are easier to share when they're hypothetical. But when they're actively playing out in your life? Sometimes all you can manage to say is that you're afraid of pickles.
Over the last few years, I've done a lot of internal work to separate my self-worth from relying entirely on the current state of my career. Dealing with the worst fucking burnout of my life paired with brutally honest conversations with my therapist usually helps with this. This fear of mediocrity isn't just about job titles or paychecks — it's about settling in all aspects of life.
While career uncertainty has me in its grip right now, I've actually found clarity in other areas. Like relationships. I'm confident that the person I end up with will be really fucking awesome, because I've put in the time to understand what I need versus what I'm willing to compromise on.
I've figured out how to care deeply without letting my entire sense of self hinge on another person's validation. I've learned to recognize red flags without cynicism, to be selective without losing hope. The work wasn't easy, but it's given me this strange confidence even amid all this career uncertainty — knowing exactly who I'm willing to wait for versus where I'm willing to compromise.
Maybe that's why the career piece feels so much harder right now. I haven't yet mastered that same balance of caring deeply about my work without letting it define my entire worth.
I find myself questioning everything, wanting my next move to be the right one but also knowing I have bills to pay. If I were to choose a silver lining, it would be that this unemployment period has forced me to pause and actually consider what truly fulfilling work might look like for me, rather than just climbing whatever ladder was in front of me.
That being said, I’m really fucking ready to be fully employed again 🙃
It's strange how being forcefully jobless can make you question everything, yet simultaneously crystallize what you refuse to question. Does that make sense? lol
So the next time someone asks me what I'm afraid of, do you think I have to come up with something that’s maybe less weird than pickles but not quite as deep as “crippling fear of mediocrity?”
Idk. I think it depends who asks.
I still hate pickles though.
thanks for reading,
b 🫶✨